Bodie Birthday

Today Bodie turned 5! We put Bodies candles on and then we put candles on for Deane. The candles we put on for Deane were the trick candles. It was funny watching Bodie blow the candles out over and over again. He couldn't figure out why they kept re-lighting? It was truly a "Jam the radar" moment. Reminded me of Deane. The card from you and dad came in the mail today! Seeing your writing and the words you wrote were very special to us all. Thanks for doing that before you passed. It was a very nice day and Bodie was in heaven, you might have seen him...
Today marked 3 months since your passing. I re-live that morning and previous night over and over in my mind. I will relive the next days over the next week. How peaceful I felt, and how peaceful your body looked. The cancer was dead in your body, your skin took on color again, your blood vessels were not looking like they were going to jump out our your skin, your face looked at ease, and yet it was just an empty shell. But you were there. I felt you kind of go in and out of our presence, almost like you were checking things out all around your new surroundings. The Mormom Tab was playing on the CD player, but it was as if the Heavenly Angels were praising you and all you had done. I can't really explain it. But peace you did leave us. I still feel that peace, I feel missing you too, but I feel at peace. I know you are there for me and the family. I felt you so strongly at the track meet, on Mothers Day, last night as I said my prayers. Thank you for letting me feel. What a kind Heavenly Father we have that will allow us to feel peace and love when we need it. What comfort and peace it is to know that this is just a small part of the plan. What a Plan. This separation is only but a moment in eternity, on a Heavenly scale, we will be re-untied in moments. I am glad you are there building a case for me. I mean well!

I love you and miss you, but am so thankful you are there with out any pain and with out any cancer. Take care of Deans, as I know you will. Wish him a Happy Birthday for me, please. Tell him I love him, let him know I am sorry for not being a better brother and not being there in those last moments of his life. How lonely he must have been, how sad he must have felt. This day, May 24th, is his day (of course it is Bodies Day too), let him know we celebrate his birth, life, and his smile.

Thanks again for everything you have ever done and will ever do for me, my family, and our family...

TB

I have felt your presence.....

It has been quite a nice couple of days. The spirit has been such a strong companion the past couple of days. I have felt your presence and know you are near. I can not explain it, but I am grateful for it. It has been like you are trying to tell me something, I have yet to figure out what it is, but since I have started working on this blog you are nearer. Maybe I am supposed to get a message out or just learn how to write down my feelings for my future generations. What ever the case maybe, I have enjoyed the feelings. Only Megan, my youngest sister, dad, and Sunnie know about this blog. Sunnie is really getting into photography and is getting excited to use her new program when I am not hogging it. Photography is something she has wanted to do for a long time, and now she is getting the chance. She wants to take pictures of your two new grand daughters. We know you are on the other side now talking with them and preparing them to come down here. How blessed are they for this time they are spending with you. It gives me the tingles just thinking about it. Mary Anns little girl will be glad to share of your love and spirit with her and the rest of their family. Megan, I know, thinks of you often, as we all do. The knowledge that Megan has carries her through many a tough times. Heather and her boys. They too will love the extra love you send down from above. Me, I know you are near and watching. Tomorrow is Bridgers track meet. Remember a year ago you and dad came over to IF and watched him at the meet. He was so sad that he didn't perform as well as he had in the past. He wanted to please you, dad, mimi, and papa. Some day he will know how proud of him you were. He is such a sports perfectionist. We know you will be there watching him tomorrow. We look forward to having you there. He will feel you there too. I remember you going to my track meets when I was a kid, it seems like just yesterday. You would stand in the bleachers and cheer for not just me, but for all my friends. I would look up at you and 9 out of 10 times you would have tears running down your cheeks. I never knew why you would cry, I am still not quite sure, but I am sure that you loved me and loved being there. You always seemed to enjoy the time you spent with us kids. The joy you would bring to others was amazing. You always had a way of making anyone you ever met feel like they were one of your best friends. You were mine. I play that "Families can be together" church video from time to time. Remember when you and I sat on the bed last fall and watched that together? I do. I look for those rainbows every time there is rain near.
I am grateful for the knowledge that families can be together forever. It makes this whole seperation thing more acceptable. The thought that I would never see you again, devastating. If I could not see my kids, could not see Sunnie again after death, that would break my heart. Sunnie is such a great person. I am truly blessed to be married to her, to have her love me, and to be the mother of our children. She is as her name is, Sunnie.
As the time passes, I try and find ways to remember and honor you. I truly think different now. I am more careful about what I say or what is said around me. Why? Because I know you are watching and listening. You always thought I was perfect, now you know I am far from. I want to be the boy you thought/think I am. I want to be better than I was.
It's time to hit the sack...... We have to get all the kids up early in the morning to get ready for the track meet. Bridger is excited, he is in 4 or 5 events. He is a fast little bugger. We will feel you there. Thanks again. Please continue to watch over us, we need it.

Love,

TB

Where to go from here?

I have this started, I have told a little of the story, so where to I go from here? I will just put down on the page whatever comes to my mind. We just got a new photo editing program. It is pretty cool. I tried it on some old photos. It makes me remember mom more.This past Sunday was Mothers Day, it was a little tough, but i made it through. I thought about most of the day. Sunnie was a great support and made sure I made it through. I had many a great friends check on me too. There will be many more mothers days to come, it will be tough still, but I know mom is watching over us all now. I see her in all the good around. The flowers, the trees, the water, the sunshine, I know she is is all around. Mom, if you are listening or reading this, know that I love you and so do the rest of us. The kids are all doing well, Sunnie is tired, but she takes such good care of us. Stay close, take care of Deane, and know that we love and miss you.....

TB